Toxic ‘mother’ in-law: Signs + Tips to deal with it.

Today’s blog is all about how to spot the signs and learn tips to deal with your toxic ‘mother’ inlaw (MIL) aka monster inlaw.

→ If you’re looking for a straight up, no fluff blog full of therapeutic tips and truth about this dynamic, then you’re in the right place. I’ve got you covered.

Because the internet is full of fluff and contrived BS that keeps you passive and ‘putting-up-with’ whilst she continues her toxic behaviour at your expense. All fake positives. Not on. And remember, that anything or anyone that feels off is off. The truth will always out as they say. First impressions and true colours and all that jazz.

→ A Woman from another tribe is not your mother. She’s a stranger. You did not grow up with her and she has no right to invade, disrespect, meddle with or dictate Your family, Your home, Your children, Your Nest. You do not have to put up with it. The end.

Food for thought: I think we need to come up with another title. There are more women suffering this dynamic than loving it. A toxic MIL does not deserve the title of Mother-inlaw.

Every Woman on Earth will always go to her Tribe first. Her Matrilineal Line. Her Mother, sisters, GrandMother, aunts and besties – not the inlaw. The MIL is the occasional ‘tour of duty’. She’s invited into your nest. And further invites depends on her behaviour and how she conducts herself. She does not come with automatic rights just because she’s his mother. She has to earn your respect and a place at your table just like any other human being on Earth.

Fact: toxic people are low level, unconscious, dysfunctional people. You can spot them a mile away. Simpletons riddled with drama and every syndrome under the sun. They use subtle methods of control and manipulation in relationships. With the MIL, this toxicity may or may not be noticeable to others particularly their own children, the family of origin. However, their behavior is very negative and invalidating, resulting in stress and distress, feelings of self doubt, low self worth, anxiety and depression. Not clinical depression.

Here’s why you feel the way you do:

• she’s your polar opposite
• she’s meddlesome & annoying
• she’s mean spirited to you
• has no boundaries
• lack of awareness
• no emotional intelligence
• uneducated and/or one ups
• no alignment with you
• no self reflection or self correction
• no chance to resolve issues
• her belligerent mindset
• she assumes and gets it wrong
• ongoing cheap tacky unwanted gift giving
• she’s an asshole to you but wants her claws in your children
• she abuses your sense of obligation
• she invalidates and disrespects you
• she’s clueless and co-dependent
• she’s guilt trippy and leaky
• she dumps her unconscious parenting on you
• she gossips to you about them and to them about you

The list is endless. But it’s her crap every day of the week. Remind yourself: everyone has a human limit, a length of rope. Once she’s used it all, there is no more. The end.

→ Ask yourself: would you put up with this from anyone else? Hell no!

Pro Tips:

• don’t take it personally, her shit is her shit
• honour yourself and create peace of mind
• there are very effective techniques to deal with a toxic MIL and make your life easier

01. Boundaries + Distance Stat

You need boundaries and distance immediately. Move away and draw the line in the sand. A toxic MIL has no boundaries and will disregard yours. She will encourage your spouse to keep secrets from you, she will organise and dictate events through him, show up at your house unannounced, question your parenting style, disregard your authority/needs/wants, backdoor you and back stab you, hand deliver her packages/cards/crap and meddle.

Poor boundaries with a MIL can cause distress, chaos, drive a wedge in and disrupt your marriage. She’ll insert herself any way she can and once she gets away with it, she’ll only get worse. Being assertive is a double edged sword. It’s both essential and pointless. She cannot and will not be told the truth, especially by you. She’ll just resent you – but do it anyway. In her unconscious head, she always assumes and thinks she’s right and you’ll never fit the bill. Speak up and put her in her place regardless, and don’t waste your precious time worrying about it. Speaking the truth is not negative!

He has to speak up and put his mother in her place! If he doesn’t – speaks volumes. He has to have your back. If all else fails, move away. In no uncertain terms allow her to insert herself into your marriage. Triangulation is toxic, causes stress, conflict, confusion and jealousy. It invalidates you. It’s a major red flag of co-dependency and it’s a massive ‘middle-finger-salute’ to you. It’s hurtful and disrespectful. Left unchecked, it can turn you into a passive-aggressive wreck.

Anything bottled up, pushed down, suppressed and unresolved will always surface, again and again begging to be resolved. That’s in-built human nature keeping us healthy by making us face and address problems in order to clear them. Unfortunately, most women in this society have been conditioned to be nice and demure, play small and never rock the boat. That’s just plain unhealthy. Unresolved matters will erupt eventually. Your choice: be assertive, be passive or be explosive. All things suppressed long term cause illness (dis-ease) and no-one is worth dying for.

Fact: anyone who mistreats you deserves a serve – and justice. They need to be told off, warned, put in their place and know that in no uncertain terms will you tolerate unjust, unwarranted or unacceptable treatment/behaviour. The difficulty is this:

• you’re dealing with a low level, unconscious mindset with a lack of awareness & accountability
• you’re dealing with a narcissist or a nasty piece of work
• you’re past the point of no return with the muppet, you know it’s futile
• societal bs where women play small, be nice, put-up-with-it and be resilient (what a crock of crap)
• we live in a male system with a grand mockery of justice that favours fools, drunks and fuck-ups
• people these days are shallow, ignorant, thin-skinned and cannot handle the truth, thinking they’re smarter than they are

‘What you tolerate sets the tone for your entire culture.’ Letting bad behaviour slide sets the tone for your standard and how others will treat you.

Best remedy: open communication and support with your nearest and dearest. Throw in a few therapy sessions for support and strategies too. Don’t deny your feelings. They’re valid. You’ll have to find healthy ways to process and offload her shit. Remember: whilst you’re stressing, she’ll be fast asleep not giving you a second thought. Do not waste one precious ounce of your time, energy and well-being on her. It’s her stuff, assign it where it belongs, bounce it back energetically and move on. Get your inner ninja on and force-field up. Don’t be a push over but don’t lower yourself to her level either. Get smart and healthy with boundaries and distance. A simple ‘no’ will always suffice. Rinse and repeat.

‘Narcissists don’t go to therapy, their victims do’ ¬ psychology fact

Make no mistake: if she didn’t like you before you had children, she still won’t after you do. And delusional enough to think you’ll hand over your babies! WTF. She’s using your sense of obligation in the family to meet her needs at your expense, via manipulation and gaslighting. Her favours have strings attached and her love is conditional. Little Miss temper tantrum is fickle: she’ll pull away any favours the second she doesn’t get her own way. Revolting & immature.

Guess what? Because you’re a decent human being, you’ll make the excuses and rise above and take the high road and forgive and all the other passive, kind and contrived bullshit, only to land in the same place, year in, year out. Quit flogging a dead horse. Her head and heart is 3x sizes too small. Build a moat and a draw bridge, darling. And disengage: You have the Power to protect your Peace.

Precaution:

If you’re a motherless Mother, you will have to keep distance at all costs. Or she’ll railroad you and take over. You’re a lone sitting duck in her eyes with the misguided notion you need her. Rally your tribe and troops and take the utmost care of yourself. Your children will not suffer and they’ll happily fill the void with the older generation both within your family and the one of your choice. The toxic MIL may attempt to play mother with you but that’s just messy dysfunctional ground heading for disaster. There’s too much unresolved water under the bridge – she’s a perennial rug-sweeper. Learn to trump the cards you’ve been dealt. I’ll bet you have strength and tenacity 3.5 light years wide. The very qualities your hubby married you for. Salute.

Best remedy: she has to fly to visit. She can phone him all she likes. But she does NOT organise or dictate events behind your back, (or in place of you) at all. Never, ever. Not negotiable.

Side note: you don’t get to call boundaries then use her for money or babysitting. I get it: you’ve married the kid enmeshed in her codependency and you’re stuck. You have to work and your family live abroad. Tricky. Take an assertiveness class, seek professional help for strategies and read all the online tips you can. Find your method, tweak, rinse and repeat. Just safeguard yourself and if all else fails, move.

02. Emotional Abuse + No EQ

Emotional Intelligence aka emotional quotient (EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. The exact opposite of your toxic MIL.

She’s stunted, immature, lacks friends and social graces and she’s emotionally abusive. She’s enmeshed her children in her co-dependent behaviour (usually the eldest) which includes non-physical actions that are meant to exert control over a person by instilling fear or isolation. It’s classic dumb-ass, unconscious parenting. It’s a slow and subtle erosion a person’s self-esteem. Emotional abuse occurs within a nuclear family and stems from the family, but any time communication between people is disrespectful or manipulative, emotional abuse is at play.

→ Co-dependent, unconscious mothers are incapable of steering their children through milestones into true adulthood. They’re stuck in parent/child ego state still trying to ‘mummy’ adult children. They’re wounded children in adult bodies. You’ll often catch her mimicking people (you!) and she’s the ultimate handbrake and hen-pecker. The proof is in the pudding. Her offspring have issues and syndromes galore, from the nerd to the rebel, the good-2-shoes to the asshole. Constant instruction kills initiative.

People with low EQ express their negative feelings – instead of openly communicating them (assertiveness) – with passive-aggressive communication and behavior. Some examples include lateness, avoidance, contrived or weaponized kindness, sarcasm, tantrums, guilt, and other subliminal insults. They never own their behaviour! Accountability is not part of their mentality or vocabulary. Expecting an apology from this crew is like pulling teeth. Don’t waste your time or energy. They don’t have the Soul substance required.

→ Accepting blame and responsibility is difficult for most people, but for narcissists it’s almost impossible. Admitting to any wrongdoing would call into question their very (limited) sense of self. Don’t butt heads with ignorance or defense mechanisms. They’re side trackers who fail to recognise they’re the problem. Their classic excuse and invalidation is: ‘ you just take things the wrong way’. Dimwit & dumbassery.

Best remedy: Natural consequences = she now has little to no involvement in your family or life. Protection of yourself, your children, your marriage, your sanity and happiness, is paramount. Keep her out!

For those of you in small towns, same towns or home towns, you’ll have to be creative, take assertive classes, enlist your family and build force-fields any way you can. Best policy is honesty. Say it. Stand up for yourself. Read her the Rights Act. Meet outside of your home on neutral turf. Keep visits to a minimum (even once a year) with time frames. Don’t share your interests, goals or activities. Tardiness is too bad. Her lack of time management aka control, does not warrant an extension. Loss of respect equals loss of rights. The end.

Pro tips:

• Rotate christmas: If you have to suck it up for hubby and kids, do it once every 3x years. One year your tribe. The following year in-laws. And a year off to go away and enjoy downtime. Or live abroad and enjoy many years of peace.
• Change gimmick dates: you know the Mother & Father days for example. The MIL inserted herself on our very first parent days with a hand delivered card the day before. Outrageous! No boundaries. Our special first moments ruined. So we changed our celebration dates and kept them special for us. Her cards went unopened in the bin.
• Since the dawn of time, babies take their Mother name. If you have to, double barrel: your name first, theirs last.
• You assign grandparent titles! Your kinship tribe are the Grand parents. The other tribe are nanna & pop. No matter how much they may dismiss or change them, stick to your guns about their call signs. Names are about honour and respect.

→ There’s no way on this Earth a woman from another tribe will claim or name my child. Nor babysit. Especially a polar opposite one who treats me with disdain or contempt. No chance.

03. Unwanted + Never-ending.

Unwanted help and unwanted gifts go hand in hand with a toxic MIL. She’s a hoarder of cheap, tacky, meaningless shit who shops at the dollar & tourist shops. She’ll post you a teaspoon or key-ring from every town she visits and palm off her obsolete, unstylish crap to you. Despite the numerous requests to stop, she’ll turn up with car boot full of shit. When she finally stops with you two she’ll start again on the kids. It’s her in-built fuckery-factor. Stupid is as stupid does. Blatant disregard and clueless. No alignment, no imagination, no quality and no price tag. Unconscious, uneducated and poverty mindset.

Same goes with unwanted ‘help’ and unsolicited advice. Her ‘help’ without being asked to help may at first be seen as nice or even thoughtful. That is, until her motivation behind helping out is exposed. Over time her ulterior motives surface. A toxic MIL acts this way because she feels that she’s the only person capable of doing the job correctly. It undermines you and it’s invasive and judgmental.

Best remedy: ‘bean dip anyone?’ Stop her in her tracks with diversion. Leave her unwanted gifts on the table without a ‘thank you’ and divert everyone outside with dip. Throw the meaningless, cheap tacky crap out once she’s left the building. Ignore her excessive wiping of your kitchen and again divert the visitors with dip and leave her there to finish off alone.

Fact: She’s a narcissist with a constant need for approval, admiration, a lack of empathy, and an over inflated sense-of-self. Do not give her thanks: that sends the wrong message, which simply condones and promotes her BS behaviour. Failure to give her your attention works wonders. Do not feign gratitude: when something is not okay, you need the room to not be okay. Do not accommodate her bullshit. That’s a win-lose: you inflate her and deflate yourself.

04. Betrayal

Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals and organizations. Betrayal is the sense of being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted person. The most common forms of betrayal are harmful disclosures of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity, dishonesty. They can be traumatic and cause considerable distress.

Fact: betrayal after trust is deadly. You never get it back. As the old adage says: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. How many times will you allow her to shit on you?

→ Believe me, there will come a time when her betrayal is the final straw. Going behind your back to your children is unconscionable. That’s an irreversible breach. Over and out.

Pro tip:

If any of the signs above sound familiar, you’re dealing with a toxic MIL aka monster-in-law. The bad news is you can’t change her behavior. But you can become better equipped to cope with it. There’s no one-size-fits-all. You’ll just have to get smart and outsmart and keep her away.

→ Golden Rule: No-one on Earth has the right to bypass or mistreat a Mother and then have access to her children! Never, ever. It’s a Universal Law. Man made laws are bullshit. Same with their societal conditioning. Same with your toxic MIL.

05. Honour + Self-care.

Your best and only line of defense is Honour and Self-care. You must honour yourself. And to do that properly you must:

• practice self-care
• protect your peace
• strict boundaries
• distance
• do not fall victim
• disengage
• do not take it personally
• your hubby is goal/gate keeper
• communicate with your family
• seek support from your dearest
• seek professional help for strategies

‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’ ¬ Polish Proverb

Always remember that other people’s stuff is other people’s stuff. You are not responsible for their mindsets, behaviours or feelings. When dealing with someone who lacks the capacity to reflect, own, self-correct, communicate and resolve issues, it’s a pointless exercise. It’s a one way street. Her crap at your expense. There comes a day when enough is enough and the answer is simply – no more.

You are not a bad person for reaching the end of the line. It’s called self preservation! Truth be told, you’ve already tolerated way too much being the bigger person, to no avail. It’s healthy to honour yourself and state boundaries. I do not suffer fools. I do not suffer unconscious or disrespectful behaviours from anyone. I know my Core Values and those who operate outside them stay there.

Inlaws are not your tribe. You don’t have to tolerate them. It goes without saying that you’ll naturally start off open hearted, open minded, excited, welcoming and making an effort, until true colours are revealed. Then you place boundaries and distance.

Managing hurt feelings is up to you. She’s either clueless or cunning. Either way, she lacks the capacity to reflect, own up and apologize. She won’t step up to the plate which speaks volumes about her. You’re dealing with a brick wall. Guaranteed, whist you’re nursing hurt feelings she’ll be snoring her fat head off without a second thought for you. She will never address the elephant in the room. She will never admit fault and will downplay her mean-spirited comments, behaviours and criticisms. It’s highly indicative of an unconscious person who knows what they do in a futile attempt to gaslight, demean you and remain in control.

She’s incorrigible. Meaning: typical avoidance of taking responsibility for their dysfunctional or incompetent behavior. Since they already have shaky and low self-esteem, they try to mask it with fake confidence – at your expense. Taking a good hard look at yourself and admitting you’ve been an ass takes integrity and substance. Failure to do so speaks volumes.

She’s the ultimate deflector! Oh the excuses astound and abound. She’ll deflect everything off to everyone and everything else, every single day. Complete lack of accountability. Doesn’t enter her realm of existence. Call her on it by bouncing back facts and be done. Don’t argue. No point. Don’t argue with drunks, dickheads or brick walls. Best to just disengage and impose natural consequences.

→ You need to make a decision. Is this is the type of person you want around you, your family, your children or in your life? Most certainly not for me. Life is precious and just way too short. Your Core Values are your boundaries and point of reference. They are your selection criteria.

Pro tip:

It’s important to validate your feelings by being heard and understood by your nearest and dearest. Remember the mantra above: not your circus or monkeys. Disengage and move on with your day. Unresolved feelings always surface begging to be resolved. But in this case, it won’t happen. So best keep your feelings in check this way. There are other things you can do of course, from writing on paper, burning or freezing or placing in your shoe. I prefer to to be heard, have a moment of validation with loved ones, then visualize flinging them in to garden. Have fun discovering your method. Conserve your precious time and energy and love yourself up. Just because she doles out her bad behaviour doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. On the contrary – she’s showing her own true colours.

Conclusion

Dealing with a toxic MIL is a challenge. She’s adept at manipulating relationships. In order to best navigate this relationship, continue to communicate openly with your partner, establish clear and strict boundaries and take care of your own needs. Her behavior will never change, but you can adjust your own mindset and learn coping strategies. Put the above in place for your own sanity and happiness.

Not only does a toxic MIL cause tension in a family, her behaviors can lead to substantial impacts on her individual target: You! This relationship can result in heightened stress, loneliness, lead to symptoms of burnout, anxiety, or depression. It’s important to address these issues before they develop into long-lasting problems. Failure to change or resolve means you must go it alone without her, and that’s ok. Trust me, once you stop trying you’ll experience relief.

Best remedy: Be open and honest about your experience and feelings with your tribe. Speak openly with your children too. They will understand that dishonour, disrespect and mistreatment of you, their Mother, leads to natural consequences = do not pass go! Healthy role modelling means zero tolerance of bullying – you’re not a doormat. Not negotiable.

Fact: We simply cannot please everyone all the time. We simply cannot be in charge of everyone’s emotions, nor should we be. That’s what this whole ‘free will’ deal is about. Everyone gets to choose their own adventure here. In order to truly honor someone else, it’s essential to step back and let them have their own consequences from their own mindsets, choices, behaviours and reactions.

→ All we can ever do is do is be in charge of ourselves – and honour ourselves. And know when enough is enough.

Truth is:

• in order to have a relationship with your children, she has to make an effort to have a relationship with you. She cannot bypass you and expect to have access to your children.
• your MIL does not have to like you or be your best friend. She does however have to pull her horns in and behave herself.
• once she betrays you and/or back stabs you in any way, it’s game over. Ultimate no no and end of the line. Not neg.
• invalidation is bad for your mental and emotional health. It’s just bad for your Soul. So I will validate you here and now.
• chronic mistreatment from anyone erodes you. No-one has the right to do so. People only treat you how you allow them to. It’s emotionally draining, you cannot keep your shields up forever, nor should you.
• if you have a lovely MIL but you’re not that close, you’ll still be inclined to catch up and spend time with her because she knows how to conduct herself.
• and if you’re one of the lucky ones with a magic MIL, make the most of her.

Over the years I’ve heard, experienced and read the horror stories. None of it is ok. All of it is detrimental harmful and downright unacceptable. Expecting you to be docile, kind and resilient is keeping you in the passive role aka putting up with bullshit without complaint. Society and the internet is full of it. Ugh. It’s revolting mumbo jumbo. It’s very, very unhealthy and dysfunctional. Do not allow it.

It’s another patriarchal construct and insult to injury. The old divide and conquer. The bitch factor. An insult to Mothers from other wounded women. Nothing will change until you do. Being a decent human being means you’ll be civil and generous and try until you can no more. And that’s ok. Polar opposites and never the twain shall meet.

‘When you know your Worth, you’ll find it hard to around those who don’t’ ¬ Says every wise Woman.

From my heart to yours, take care and all the very best. Take care you. And always remember, you’re not alone. MIL’s have been overstepping the mark for centuries. It’s unacceptable and will not change until we stop it. Know better, do better – it’s always vital to teach right from wrong and unacceptable is simply that.

As a Feminine Mindset Coach and Women’s mental health counsellor, I know that a Matriarchal Mindset is your #1 Success Tactic every day of the week. I know you need to undo the patriarchal reversals in your Mindset, Language, Birthing, Mothering, Mythology & Symbols.

I know you have precisely what you need inside you. It’s my pleasure to show you how. (check in + reach out – my blogs are how I can help you for free).

xx Amanda

Resources

→ I have a really easy resource to figure that out, which you can find at MA/emp.guide

→ You can read more on my Women’s Health Counselling with related blog post here

→ Enroll in my mini course B99, Boundaries for Women here

→ Join my (annual) Woman-lore Program wait list here

Want to uplevel with community support plus plenty of tools and techniques to make it easy? Join my facebook group – you’ll learn how to spot a mindset block a mile away, and know exactly how to offload it.

My gift to you.